Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Randomize
