Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
