My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
