two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
