There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
