my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
