Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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