That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
