He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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