it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
