you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
