he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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