it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
