its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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