theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
