This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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