I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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