I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
