They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
