my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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