I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
