Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Welp...herpes.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
