I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
