i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
