It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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