So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He has the fingertips of a God
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
