Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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