I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
