I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She told me I should be a condom model.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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