No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
