sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize