you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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