I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
