Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
