I bet he comes in French.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
