last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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