Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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