i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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