He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
