It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
