she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
