She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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