do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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