She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
