fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
