Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
