I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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