sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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