moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
