she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
