Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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