if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
