So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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