And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
