Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
sarcasm needs its own font
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
