So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
