I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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