Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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