There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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