Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
