I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
